Bluff The Listener
NPR
Saturday, April 25, 2015
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Our panelists tell three stories about a plan to bring people to South Dakota, only one of which is true.
Transcript
BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Amy Dickinson, Peter Grosz, and Aparna Nancherla. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Right now, it's time for the WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.
SCOTT CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: Hi, this is Scott Curatoll-Wagemann calling from Ridge, N.Y.
SAGAL: Hey, where is Ridge, N.Y.?
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: It's towards the east end if you're familiar with Long Island, you got the two forks...
SAGAL: Oh yeah.
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: ...At the end. Yeah, we're about 11 miles west of the forks, or the crotch, as I call it.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So you're crotch-adjacent, as they say...
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: Exactly, yeah.
SAGAL: ...In the real estate ads. Well, it's nice to have you with us, Scott. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Scott's topic?
KURTIS: South Dakota here we come.
SAGAL: So South Dakota often gets overshadowed by Minnesota to the east, with its big city lights and Garrison Keillor, and North Dakota to the north with Fargo's infamous Pleasure Palaces. But this week, we read about three desperate attempts to get people to South Dakota by any means necessary. Guess the real story, you'll win Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Ready to play?
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: I'm ready.
SAGAL: Let's hear from Amy Dickinson first.
AMY DICKINSON: Mark Kalshbrenner (ph) owns the Dinky Mart convenience store and gas station franchise for the entire state of South Dakota. Lately, business has been slow - real slow. One day recently, Mark asked his navigation system, Siri, I want to see "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." But instead, Siri he sent to the Walmart in blacktop, and that gave him an idea.
He hacked into the Google Maps and navigation systems of neighboring states so that searches would lead to Dinky Mart stores in South Dakota. So someone asking, Siri, where can I get plankton - would be sent directly to the Dinky Mart in Yankton. You want to find a girlfriend who's vapid and pretty? You might end up in Rapid City.
Mark knew that not every person in Minnesota looking for lipstick would be happy to find themselves, in say, the town of Baltic. But he also knew that once there, a stuck motorist would gas up and then go inside the Dinky Mart and maybe buy a bag of pretzel rods while they asked for directions for how to get out of South Dakota. And for now, that will have to be good enough.
SAGAL: A plot to hack Siri...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...So that she sends people to South Dakota instead of where they really want to go. Your next story of a reason to visit South Dakota whether you want to or not comes from Peter Grosz.
PETER GROSZ: I don't know about you, but when I think about South Dakota, I usually think, why am I thinking about South Dakota?
(LAUGHTER)
GROSZ: When the nicest thing someone can say about your state is, it's nice but it's no Wyoming, you know you've got an image problem, which is why the Governor's Office of Economic Development created a 30 second pro-South Dakota ad that favorably compares their state with the one place everyone can agree would be worse - Mars. Mars has been in the news recently as thousands of average people have been volunteering for a one-way mission to the red planet, willing to give their lives in the name of space exploration. So this ad starts with ominous shots of Mars and a voiceover that says - Mars, the air not breathable, the surface cold and barren, but thousands are lining up for a chance to go and never come back. The ad then switches to beauty shots of people in South Dakota working in factories, hiking, fishing and for some reason, ballooning. While the voiceover shifts, South Dakota - progressive, productive and abundant in oxygen.
(LAUGHTER)
GROSZ: Why die on Mars when you can live in South Dakota? South Dakota, you can live here.
SAGAL: So, the state tourism board, Office of Economic Development encourages people to come to South Dakota because it has more oxygen than Mars. Your last story of one of the nation's top two Dakotas comes from Aparna Nancherla.
APARNA NANCHERLA: Residents of Pierre, S.D., have good reason for the extra pep in their step. The mayor of the state's capital, Laurie Gill, recently signed a bill legalizing the addition of trace amounts of Adderall to the drinking water. Commented Gill, while doing three advanced Sudokus at the same time - we're a nation of sleep-deprived, dehydrated, obese zombies. Why not tackle all the problems in one go by adding a little extra fuel to the communal reserves?
City natives and newcomers alike say they feel energized by the new measure. Said Pierre postwoman, Holly Newhouse, I used to be one of those people who had a case of the Mondays all week long. Now I wake up every day with a huge smile. Come to think of it, I don't actually remember the last time I slept.
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: She then returned to playing a bitterly heated tennis match with the wall.
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: Adds Gill, for those who think South Dakota is a slow place, we just decided to speed things up a little. Now, if you'll excuse, I think it's time for my staff and I to finish building, then repaving this road.
SAGAL: So...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...One of these is a way that somebody is trying to convince people to go to South Dakota. Is it from Amy Dickinson, somebody who has hacked Siri, from Peter Grosz, an ad campaign from the state itself suggesting that South Dakota is preferable to dying on the lifeless barren red planet, or from Aparna, is it the story of how the city of Pierre has added Adderall to the water supply to give everybody that little extra pep they need to do what needs to be done? Which of these is the real story of a South Dakota initiative?
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: Something tells me Peter's story with Mars has just got to be it.
SAGAL: Something is telling you that?
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: Something is telling me that.
SAGAL: It wouldn't be the Google screen in front of you, would it?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I'm not saying you do it, but we've heard it's been done.
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: It's the scientific method.
SAGAL: I understand. Well, to bring you the correct answer, let's all listen to this.
(SOUNDBITE OF SOUTH DAKOTA AD)
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: Why die on Mars when you can live in South Dakota? South Dakota - you can live here.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That was in fact the official ad...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...From South Dakota comparing that state favorably to the barren wasteland of Mars. And to whoever came up with that ad and convinced the state to do it, we salute you. And we wish you luck in your next job.
But you got it right. Peter was telling the truth. You earned a point for Peter Grosz and you've won our prize. Carl Kasell will record the greeting on your answering machine. Thank you so much for playing with us today.
CURATOLL-WAGEMANN: Thank you so much, Peter.
SAGAL: Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HAIL! SOUTH DAKOTA")
UNIDENTIFIED MAN#2: (Singing) Come where the sun shines, and where life's worth your while. You won't be here long, 'til you wear a smile. No state's so healthy, and no folk quite so true. To South Dakota we welcome you. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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