Who's Bill This Time
NPR
Saturday, March 21, 2015
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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: To Bibi Or Not To Bibi, Schock & Awesome, We Shall Overcaffeinate.
Transcript
BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm all-beef anchorman Bill Kurtis.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: We have prepared a great show for you today. We are so excited for our guest novelist and writer, Richard Price. His crime novels like "Clockers" and "Lush Life" make us all want to be, you know, tough New York cops. It's why, probably, Howie down in IT keeps talking like this.
KURTIS: (Imitating New York cop) I got two servers blown and no wits who saw a damn thing. You jamokes try turning this Johnny off and back on again.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's the job, man. We want to hear you stories of life on these unforgiving streets, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. So let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
JOSH WEBB: Hi, this is Josh Webb calling from Marshall, Mich.
SAGAL: Hi, Josh. How are you?
WEBB: I'm good. How are you doing?
SAGAL: I'm fine. Where is Marshall, Mich.?
WEBB: Marshall, Mich. is in southern Michigan. It's close to Battle Creek, which is Cereal City, home of Kellogg and Post.
SAGAL: Of, course. And what you do there in Marshall?
WEBB: Well, I eat my parents' food, actually. I'm in college.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I see.
WEBB: I'm home for spring break right now.
KURTIS: Good for them.
SAGAL: If you win Carl Kasell's voice, will you give it to them as rent?
(LAUGHTER)
WEBB: Yeah, actually, I thought about it (laughter).
SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of "My Grandmother's Ravioli" on the Cooking Channel, it's the ubiquitous Mo Rocca.
(APPLAUSE)
MO ROCCA: Hi, Josh.
SAGAL: Next, another contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of "Science Goes To The Movies," which you can find at cuny.tv - it's Faith Salie.
(APPLAUSE)
FAITH SALIE: Hey, Josh.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And finally, joining our panel for the first time, it's a writer for "Brooklyn 99," and you may have seen him in the movie "Obvious Child," it's Gabe Liedman.
GABE LIEDMAN: Hi, Josh. How's it going?
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: So Josh, of course you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill will start us off with three quotations from the week's news. You know the drill. Identify 2 out of the 3 of them, you'll win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell, his voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?
WEBB: Yes I am.
SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: I've done three movies in Israel, "Delta Force" being my favorite. You have an incredible country, and we want to keep it that way.
SAGAL: As I'm sure I don't need to tell you because of Bill's rendition, that was Chuck Norris.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And he was endorsing the man who won reelection in Israel this week. In fact, he helped put him over the top. Who is it?
WEBB: Benjamin Netanyahu.
SAGAL: Yes. Bibi, as he is known.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Bibi Netanyahu - very good.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Defying the polls leading up to the election, the Israeli prime minister won a sweeping victory this week, making this the first time since 2004 that the GOP has won a national election.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Oh, but President Obama must be just fashlugana (ph) with this whole process.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: Did you just - is that - is that Yiddish you just made up?
ROCCA: No, it's real. Fashlugana, it's kind of, like, just kind of exhausted, right. But the whole - he's about to plotz.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Right?
LIEDMAN: I think Bibi's a lame nickname for a prime minister. I mean, it's - I love Bebe Neuwirth. I think it's a gorgeous name. But I feel like if I was a powerful international prime minister with a ton of hate in my heart, I'd go by Yahu.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yahu Netanyahu?
LIEDMAN: Yeah.
SAGAL: I can see that.
LIEDMAN: I think Yahu only. Cut the rest of it.
SAGAL: So you'd be like Cher.
LIEDMAN: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: He is a flip-flop-nick though, right? Didn't he - isn't he now saying, oh, maybe two-state solution?
SAGAL: Well, this is what happened is that he was very desperate because the polls were showing him losing going up to the election. So he said all these crazy things. He's like, elect me, people of Israel, and you'll get to eat bacon.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: That's strong.
SAGAL: Under my new program, if you like your foreskin, you can keep it.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: That's a real pork-barrel.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah... Better move on. Here is a man named Richard Schock talking somewhat proudly about his son Aaron.
KURTIS: Two years from now, he'll be successful if he's not in jail.
SAGAL: Richard Schock was talking about all the great things that await Aaron Schock now that he has quit what?
WEBB: Congress.
SAGAL: Yes, Congress...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Aaron Schock has been very well known since he was elected to Congress, at the age of 28, back in 2008. He was so young that instead of a Bible, he was sworn in with his hand on "The Very Hungry Caterpillar."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And he was always incredibly hot. He's so hot Ted Kennedy once tried to drink his six-pack.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Seriously, chairman of chest and abs.
SAGAL: It was amazing, yeah. But his most recent claim to fame came this year, when a Washington Post reporter got a tour of his office, which was decorated in the style of TV's "Downton Abbey." It turns out that the taxpayers - that's us - paid for that, plus his many trips around the world and the country and the time he took his interns to a Katy Perry concert. If he was older and more experienced - he was - no, you cannot do this sort of thing. Silly Aaron, interns are for sleeping with.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: All these excesses. He's totally setting himself up for a White House run.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yes, I think so.
SALIE: He also used taxpayer funds to fund trips. Like, he went to a Katy Perry concert.
SAGAL: Yes, like I said.
ROCCA: Well, and there's a picture of him with Ariana Grande, too.
SAGAL: Yeah, which is true.
LIEDMAN: And Crossfit is expensive.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's true.
LIEDMAN: Yeah,
SAGAL: And as his father implicated, there is a chance that this sort of thing could become a criminal indictment. It happened to Jesse Jackson, Jr. for doing the same sort of thing. He went to jail. So if his father is right and Congressman Schock does go to jail, really guaranteed to have the most fabulously decorated cellblock.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: He'll be popular there.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah, I think he's going to go with an "Oz" theme.
ROCCA: Wait - you mean "Wizard Of Oz."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Honest to God, if you engage me in conversation about race before I've had my morning coffee, it will not end well.
SAGAL: That was PBS's Gwen Ifill talking about whose plan to have their baristas talk about race with customers?
WEBB: Starbucks.
SAGAL: Yes, Starbucks...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Very good.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: It seems strange to think that the coffee chain could end racism in this country. But then again, they did manage to convince us all to spend $6 on a cup of coffee. So why not use that power for good?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The idea is that apparently, in addition to your name, they will write, race together on your cup. And then they'll hand it to you in the hope that you will say, oh, what is this? And the barista can explain, it is about racism. Racism is bad. And the customer says, wow, I never realized racism was bad.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And then he leaves the Ku Klux Klan and joins the Wu-Tang Clan.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Can't we all just get a latte?
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: Maybe it's just 'cause I live in New York. But do you ever go into a Starbucks where there's not a line 20 people long? If my barista wants to start talking about race with me, there's going to be, like - there's going to be a...
LIEDMAN: A race riot.
SALIE: Thank you, a race riot.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: I think that they should do race - racially-themed drinks, like a white privilege-accino.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: Or, like - or like when I order - you don't order the dark roast. You say, I would like a roast of color, please.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: I always ask for a tall Jamaican.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: My - I don't need this because I was always - I always was sensitive to these issues at Starbucks. My Starbucks name is W. E. B. Du Bois.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: When I order it. W. E. B. Du Bois, your white chocolate mocha is ready - just a whole conversation in a cup about race.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Josh do on our quiz?
KURTIS: We're going to give Josh three right. And he won.
SAGAL: Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well done, Josh. Thanks for playing.
WEBB: Thank you very much. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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