Who's Bill This Time
NPR
Saturday, June 27, 2015
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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Judgy Judge, Flag Churning, Swift Retribution.
Transcript
BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm America's only 10-gallon anchorman, Bill Kurtis.
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: And...
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: ...Here's your host at Jones Hall for the Performing Arts in Houston, Texas, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Houston, so good to be back here. Later on, we will be talking to astronaut Suni Williams about her record-breaking stay in the International Space Station and what she did that was so bad, they made her come back. But first, President Obama made history this week by becoming the first president to appear on a podcast. It was WTF with Mark Maron.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This is true. It was a huge success - a million downloads or more. We assume the president will continue doing podcasts.
(SOUNDBITE OF PODCAST, SERIAL)
AUTOMATED VOICE: This is a global Tel Link pre-paid call from...
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Barack Obama.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Looking forward to that, season two.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: You don't have to call collect. It's toll-free - 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.
STACEY SOUTHERD: Hi, Peter. This is Stacey.
SAGAL: Hey, Stacey. How are you?
SOUTHERD: I'm good. How are you?
SAGAL: I'm fine. Where are you calling from?
SOUTHERD: I'm calling from Miami Shores, Fla.
SAGAL: Miami Shores, Fla.?
SOUTHERD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Is it as ungodly hot and humid as it is here in Houston?
SOUTHERD: Actually, I was just in Houston yesterday, and I can say no.
SAGAL: Really?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: What do you do in Miami?
SOUTHERD: I actually live in Chicago, but I'm a flight attendant.
SAGAL: You are?
SOUTHERD: I am.
SAGAL: Oh, that is interesting. I feel terrible for you because we, the passengers, are awful.
SOUTHERD: (Laughter) It happens.
SAGAL: Yeah. Do you hate us as much as I would hate us if I weren't us and were you instead?
SOUTHERD: I don't want to say yes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Stacey. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the author of the book "I'm Not A Terrorist, But I Play One On TV" and a comedian who'll be performing at the Hollywood Improv in LA on July 17 and 18, it's Maz Jobrani.
(APPLAUSE)
MAZ JOBRANI: Hey, Stacey, how are you?
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Next, it's the comedian who will be performing at the Blumenthal Performing Arts Center in Charlotte, N.C., on July 11, Paula Poundstone.
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey, Stacey.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Finally, it's the comedian you can see at the Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank this weekend, Alonzo Bodden.
ALONZO BODDEN: Hello Stacy.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Stacey. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, and you will win our prize - the voice of our scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?
SOUTHERD: I am ready.
SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote. It comes from one of the leading jurists of our time, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
KURTIS: Jiggery pokery, applesauce.
SAGAL: That was Justice Scalia. He was dissenting from a Supreme Court opinion that upheld the legality of what?
SOUTHERD: Oh, the health care...
SAGAL: The health care known as...
SOUTHERD: Obamacare?
SAGAL: Yes, we'll call it Obamacare.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The Affordable Care Act. For about the 500th time since it was passed, Obamacare has survived an attempt on its existence. People keep trying to kill it, and they fail. And then it starts to get boring and repetitive. Obamacare is the Jack Bauer of laws.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This time, of course, it was a challenge in the Supreme Court that tried to take down the law based on just four confusing words. Justice Roberts writing for the majority basically said that was silly. But Justice Scalia dissented - or to use the legal term, he went ipso facto berserko.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: He called the opinion applesauce and jiggery pokerey. In an earlier draft, he called it argle-bargle and flimflam flummery and an unpronounceable word that was just 46 poop emojis in a row.
(LAUGHTER)
BODDEN: When you get to the jiggery-pokerey level, isn't it pretty much the law of the land? I mean...
SAGAL: Yeah, if all you can say about it...
BODDEN: You've kind of run out of arguments when you get to jiggery, pokerey, I would think.
SAGAL: Yeah.
JOBRANI: Do the winners ever, like, once they've won, do they ever lean into the thing - you know, their mike - and go in your face?
SAGAL: Well, the best thing...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Was that after the decision came out, once again Obamacare survives and continues, President Obama - he came out he made a speech. Well, he didn't really make a speech. He and Biden just smiled at the crowd, put on their shades, dropped the mike and left.
(LAUGHTER)
BODDEN: Isn't it...
(APPLAUSE)
BODDEN: Doesn't it really say something for our country, though, that Justice Roberts basically said, well, this is common sense...
SAGAL: Yeah.
BODDEN: ...And we were shocked.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BODDEN: We were literally shocked that the Supreme Court...
SAGAL: Who knew that he'd go there?
BODDEN: ...Said - and then all day - they spent the whole day analyzing it that, wow, he went with common sense.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: People have said this - conservatives are so angry at Justice Roberts, that some have suggested that Obama somehow bribed him - with what?
JOBRANI: Just a little like - (imitating mobster) come here for a second. I want to talk to you.
SAGAL: (Imitating mobster) Yeah, I want to talk to you.
JOBRANI: (Imitating mobster) Here's a little something for you.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BODDEN: Hey Justice Roberts, I know you always wanted to meet Beyonce.
(LAUGHTER)
BODDEN: You know I can make that happen.
SAGAL: All right, Stacey, your next quote is a headline from a somewhat-confused overseas newspaper.
KURTIS: Is the American Civil War not yet over?
SAGAL: So that paper in Shanghai was asking whether the U.S. is only now only having a debate about what symbol?
SOUTHERD: The Confederate flag.
SAGAL: The Confederate flag. Yes, you got it.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The Confederate flag, the battle flag of Northern Virginia is coming down everywhere - South Carolina, next Mississippi, Virginia. It's even being removed - and I am not kidding - from toy "Dukes Of Hazzard" cars.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: They're peeling off the decals. It's kind of astounding how quickly after Charleston the whole South just gave up. Then again, part of that Southern heritage they're proud of is surrendering.
(LAUGHTER)
AUDIENCE: Oh.
SAGAL: Oh, wait a minute. I'm sorry, I just remembered we're in the South.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Boy, you can read a crowd, Peter.
SAGAL: I sure can.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: You know, I'll tell you, I find there were so many comments talking about it's the symbol of - you know, the Confederate flag - they wanted to hold on to the Confederate flag because it was honoring their, you know, ancestors. And that is so obviously not true, number one. But number two, why does no one fly the British flag?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
POUNDSTONE: You know, because...
SAGAL: They're our ancestors.
POUNDSTONE: They are.
SAGAL: Yeah.
POUNDSTONE: And they, you know...
BODDEN: Well, not everybody's.
SAGAL: Well, they said - yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Stacey, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: We don't ask you for free iPhones.
SAGAL: That was somebody who managed to bring Apple, one of the richest companies in the world, to its knees with just a letter. Who has this awesome power?
SOUTHERD: T. Swift.
SAGAL: Yo, she knows this. Yes, Taylor Swift.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Very good.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Apple wanted to use musicians' songs for their new streaming service without paying them, so Taylor was all like hey, we don't ask you to give us iPhones for free. And first of all, Taylor, you don't? 'Cause you should 'cause that's the point of being a celebrity, right? You...
BODDEN: Yeah, I'm pretty sure in all the gift baskets she's received, Taylor's gotten a few free iPhones.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BODDEN: I mean, that's kind of a given.
SAGAL: It's amazing, though, Microsoft couldn't beat Apple. Google cannot beat Apple. Taylor Swift has done what the Zune could not.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So the question really is Taylor - since Taylor Swift was so easily able to change Apple's opinion about this, what other problems can Taylor Swift now fix for us?
BODDEN: So that Confederate flag thing's done.
SAGAL: Yeah, she's doing...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: For all we know, we were speculating why it happened so quickly.
JOBRANI: Can she get...
SAGAL: Maybe that had something to do with her. Maybe she sent a letter.
JOBRANI: Can she get rid of Donald Trump?
(APPLAUSE)
POUNDSTONE: Oh don't - no, no.
SAGAL: No.
POUNDSTONE: No, no.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: No?
POUNDSTONE: There is absolutely no joy in this upcoming election except for Donald Trump.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: I heard Trump interviewed today. I did not understand a word he said.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: It was glorious. It was like listening to a song where you're just like (singing) na, na, na,na.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Stacey do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Stacey, I want you to go on the intercom, talk to your passengers and say I got three straight yes.
SOUTHERD: Yay.
KURTIS: I got three right.
SAGAL: Well done, so don't take any guff.
KURTIS: Free coffee for everyone.
SAGAL: Thank you, Stacey, for playing.
SOUTHERD: Thank you, guys. Have a good one.
(SOUNDBITE OF TAYLOR SWIFT SONG, "SHAKE IT OFF") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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