Who's Bill This Time
NPR
Saturday, September 13, 2014
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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: The Un-war; Out Of His League; Stay Together For The Sake of The Baby.
Transcript
BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm well-behaved anchorman Bill Kurtis.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
(APPLAUSE)
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thanks, everybody. We've got a great show for you today. We got comedian Richard Lewis. He's joining us later on. That gives him about half an hour to obsessively worry about how well he'll do on our quiz.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But before we start, this week everybody was so amazed because Apple just took a U2 album and just gave it away to everyone for free - instantly it
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Look, Apple, if anyone is going to give people something annoying to listen to for free, it's going to be us in public radio. Stay in your lane.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We don't want anything from you, though, except that you call in and try to win Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. The number, as always - 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.
BRAD DAVIES: Hi, this is Brad Davies calling from Berkley, Michigan which is just a few miles outside Detroit.
SAGAL: Oh, terrific. So you're from the greater Detroit area.
DAVIES: That's right.
SAGAL: How are things going there?
DAVIES: Pretty well. It's been a great week so far.
SAGAL: Really? Well, that now changes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Brad. It's a pleasure to talk to you. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, host at vocala.org and a comedian who is performing September 19 at the Jewelbox Theater in Seattle, Mr. Brian Babylon.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Next up, a writer for the Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.
(APPLAUSE)
ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, Brad.
DAVIES: Hi, Roxanne.
SAGAL: And making his debut on our panel - it's a comedian who's got a new podcast called The Hound Tall discussion, and he'll performing October 16 through 18 right here in Chicago at the UP Comedy Club. It's Moshe Kasher.
(APPLAUSE)
MOSHE KASHER: Hello, Brad.
SAGAL: Well, Brad, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill will start us off by re-creating three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify, explain just two of them. Do that, and you win the voice of our scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Ready to go?
DAVIES: I'm ready to go.
SAGAL: Here is your first quotation.
KURTIS: What we are doing is engaging in a very significant counterterrorism operation.
SAGAL: Now that was Secretary of State John Kerry saying that despite us starting a war against somebody, it's not really a war against whom?
DAVIES: Would that be ISIS or ISIL?
SAGAL: It would be ISIS - or ISIL, we don't know. We don't know if they know.
(LAUGHTER)
BRIAN BABYLON: So is that an official tomato-tomato thing?
SAGAL: Yeah. It's like - yeah, please, let's call the whole thing off.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It does seem weird. I think at this point, they've changed their name to an unpronounceable glyph, and they're now known as the terrorists formally known as ISIS. On Wednesday night, President Obama laid out his strategy for fighting ISIS - ISIL? Just two weeks ago, he said he didn't have one. Now he does. He should've joined Amazon Prime. It would've been delivered sooner.
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: I'm just curious on how you come up with a war plan in two weeks. I can't even - I can't do a lot of things in two weeks, let alone...
SAGAL: Well, it was sort of a - it was sort of a plan for war but not really. He said there'd be...
BABYLON: Are there a Cliff Notes on that?
ROBERTS: No, I called Dick Cheney. He always has one.
(LAUGHTER)
KASHER: Hey, don't worry about it. Got it right here, you see. That's right. That's how Dick Cheney answers the telephone. I assume you're calling about bombing Iraq?
(LAUGHTER)
KASHER: Who is this?
SAGAL: So the president announced that we would be bombing targets in Iraq, in Syria using our military to, quote, "degrade and destroy" the terrorists, but it is not a war. No, no, no. It's just a fun game where we use our weapons against the other guys who are also shooting at us. It's like a game of paintball but with what the enthusiasts like to call bullet guns.
(LAUGHTER)
KASHER: If they wanted to degrade the enemy, they should've sent them all a copy of a U2 album.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bam. Shots fired at U2. All right, very good, Brad. Here is your next quote.
DAVIES: OK.
KURTIS: Wait, why hasn't the commissioner been fired yet?
SAGAL: That was a headline from VICE asking the question on everybody's mind about the commissioner of what sporting league?
DAVIES: That'd be the NFL.
SAGAL: Yes, indeed. The NFL...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Oh, yes. Who's ready for some lawsuits? The NFL is in the midst of its worst scandal since the last one they totally ignored.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's all about a terrible video that came out of Ray Rice in the elevator with a fiance. The League Commissioner Roger Goodell keeps saying that the NFL did not know about the video. Everybody knew about the video. You could rent this video at Redbox, OK?
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: Yeah, like, in my neighborhood, they was like, so they lose cigarettes in that video.
SAGAL: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Came preloaded on the new iPhone 6.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: So Commissioner Roger Goodell, he denies that the NFL had ever seen this video. But it's hard to believe. For one thing, the AP now reports that the NFL was given the video in April. And for another, when Goodell watched the video this week, he said, oh, here comes my favorite part.
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: But, you know, you know, it's really - it's really sad. It's sad when, like, TMZ is the good guy.
SAGAL: I know.
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: It's, like, that's the worst. Get out of here, TMZ.
SAGAL: Anyway, once this video came out this week, Ray Rice was immediately cut by his team, the Baltimore Ravens. And then people - because this is the kind of country where we are - they're on Twitter complaining that this ruined their fantasy football team.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: People who play Nightmare football were pretty happy, though.
ROBERTS: On the other hand, you could trade in a Ray Rice jersey for various things. Some people - pizza.
SAGAL: You can get a pizza. You can get a pizza in Baltimore.
ROBERTS: Yeah. So there's some upsides.
KASHER: That seems like the right way to fight domestic violence.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah. Hey, here's a pizza.
KASHER: Carbs. Yeah.
SAGAL: Brad, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Project royal baby to the rescue.
SAGAL: That was one of many British people suggesting that maybe, just maybe, the royal baby announcement this week was timed to keep who from leaving the kingdom?
DAVIES: Scotland.
SAGAL: Yes, Scotland.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The nation of Scotland.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: There's a vote next week to see if Scotland wants to secede from the United Kingdom. And while at first this seemed like a crazy idea, coming after the vote it looks like the two countries will have to start sorting out their mix CD collection.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So - but as you heard Bill say, there is another royal bun in the oven. The duke and duchess of Cambridge announced a second child on the way. And some people are actually saying the royal family made this announcement to try and make Scotland rethink leaving, right? It's like, come on, Scotland, you don't want to lose out on this. Think of the adorable baby cheeks. If you secede, the only little bald head you'll be able to ooh and aah over will be Sean Connery's.
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: Let me tell you something. I'm going to say the most liberal art undergrad thing ever. I do not like the royal baby because I don't like babies that benefit off slavery and imperialism. They just smell to me.
SAGAL: And for a contrasting view, here's the rest of the world - ooh, look at the little baby.
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: I know. I know. I wish they would stop that. I like babies who just make it off good, old-fashioned - U.S.A. - good, old-fashioned white privilege. That's what I like.
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: That's a baby I can trust.
KASHER: I love the idea of David Cameron bursting into the royal bedroom and saying, your highness, we're going to need you guys to get it on.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: He's offered - Cameron offered Scotland more concessions, including more independence and a chance to move the country of Scotland to the south part of the island where it's a little warmer.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And he said, look, if you stay, you all get this new U2 album free.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Brad do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Brad got us off to a very good start. Three and 0 - that means he's the winner.
SAGAL: Well done.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Brad.
DAVIES: Thank you for playing. I can't wait 'till you guys come back to Detroit.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "IF YOU LEAVE")
OMD: (Singing) If you leave, I won't cry. I won't waste one single day. But if you leave, don't look back. I'll be running the other way. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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